Facing my mortality

I used to be terrified of death. Absolutely petrified. I think a lot of it was the unknown….how, when will it happen? Will it hurt? Even if you believe in a higher force or power, you still have no clue what actually happens to you when you die. I never knew I was about to face my own mortality.

Having cancer sure does have its “downs”. In fact, everything related to cancer can be categorized as down. Torture actually. The absolute worst human experience. The only silver lining is life transformation. So, the t-shirt now reads: “I got cancer and all I got was this life transformation?” Yes…..if you let it transform you.

There is a moment, right after hearing “you have cancer” that can change your whole life. It can go either way and it determines your fate. Your brain understands what you heard and gets it, but it’s like your heart decides “nah, I don’t accept that diagnosis. F*** you. Thanks for stopping by.” At least that’s what happened to me.

My intuition has always been my north star in life. It’s always right, ALWAYS. It was somehow telling me I wasn’t going to die. Stage 4 cancer, yet I wasn’t going to die. It was also that voice that told me chemo and radiation was my only hope, which I was dreading being that I am a very holistic person who barely even takes Advil.

That’s the second I made the choice to agree and to fight back. I never expected to endure what I had to endure. I never felt pain and suffering like I did when I had cancer. I never expected to have to be that tough, and had no clue how strong I was until I didn’t have a choice to be anything but.

During my cancer journey I’ve had the rare opportunity to face my mortality. I now question everything I have done in my life. Had I chosen the right path? Had I done my best, or wasted years of my life and time? Had I made the most of my opportunities? Did I create happiness for myself? No, somewhat, yes, kind of and no. Not convincing enough for me.

But then the questions changed. They became less about me. Had I made a difference? Had I been able to help others? THIS IS WHERE MY NEXT MOMENT CAME. Aha! This is it. This is my purpose. I knew I was meant to make a difference and help others. Now my life’s work begins.

Have you faced mortality in your life? How did it change you? I know I’ll never give a crap about anything insignificant again.

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